OK, it’s been a long while, but it’s time to jab finger to keyboard again, whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing, I’ll leave up to you.
It’s summer in London, and, so far, quite a nice summer. Long cloudless days, fine temperatures, birds singing yada-yada-yada. Now, there are many benefits of a fine summer when you live and work in a cosmopolitan city such as London. There are pavement cafés, although not enough, there are parks to wander through, there are open-air markets and, of course, there are girls in their summer clothes (nodding thanks to Mr Springsteen for that tune).
Unfortunately there are also downsides. Two. Too many tourists clogging up the pavements and the pavement cafés and, far more aggravating, there are grown men, often with facial hair, on scooters and skateboards making the pavements positively dangerous. When I say scooters, I don’t mean the cool Vespas or Piaggios I means those little, foldable, cool and trendy scooters – you know, the type your kids wanted when they were eight which inevitably led you to spend more time than you’d planned to in A&E having the little mites’ fingers sewn back on after the folding mechanism had fulfilled its designed purpose.
Grown men, especially those grown enough to sport facial hair, should not ever, under any circumstances use scooters or skateboards in public. In so doing they let manhood and manliness down. There I’ve said it. Sporting prowess can be measured in manifold ways, fast cyclists, swimming, running, shooting, ice hockey, football of all kinds, hell, even ballroom dancing, but never, ever riding a kids’ toy in public.
I don’t care that there’s many who make a good living from being champion monster-walkists or front-flippers, I don’t care if the IOC is considering introducing freestyle skateboarding to the summer Olympics or that there’s an entire sub-culture built around it. If you’re over 16 or capable of growing a beard then just don’t. Or, if you must, go to the local skatepark and do it there.
There’s only one way to beat this RepressedBritRule™ – put an engine on the damned thing. And not some poxy electric motor with the output of a clockwork mainspring, no, a proper engine which burns hydrocarbons and upsets the greenists. The bigger and more upsetting of greenists the better.
So, if you’re over 16 and/or can grow a beard and have a deck with a tube or a board with bogeys then strap an engine on the damned thing. Then and only then will I get out of your way when you’re hurtling towards me on a pavement.
In fact, if you strap a decent engine, say a minimum of 120BHP, on the damned thing, I may even pay to watch you ride it.
That’d be dangerous, manly and fun.
On re-reading, this one's a little sexist - this particular RepressedBritRule™ only applies to males who have reached the physical maturity of being able to grow facial hair. Sorry. Well, not really.
